


i want to save you from your sorrow

by hotmesslewis



Series: Lewis and Clark - Modern [4]
Category: Historical RPF, Lewis and Clark
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-19 08:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12406617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotmesslewis/pseuds/hotmesslewis
Summary: Modern AU.  The morning after a very bad night.





	i want to save you from your sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Did try to spruce this one up in terms of accurate mental illness (bipolar) representation. But it's still a goddamn mess, honestly. I can do better.

When he woke, he noticed the sun was too low in the sky before he thought to look at the clock on the table by the bed.

Quarter past noon.

“Fuck.” Meriwether Lewis swore to himself before calling out into the apartment he suspected was empty. “Billy!”

The response was too quick and evidenced too much concern, the tall redhead bustling into the bedroom and laying his hand on Meri’s arm, shoulder, back. “Meri, you’re awake, thank God, how are you feeling? Are you okay? Anything I can do to help?”

“Jesus, Billy, slow down. Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Billy gave the clock a careless look, but glanced at it again anxiously. “No, it’s okay, we still have a few hours.”

Despite the hands that tried to trap him in the warm sheets, Meri sat up and rubbed his palms across his eyes, still heavy with sleep. “Is it a weekend and I’m forgetting or something? Isn’t today Thursday and shouldn’t we both be at work?”

Billy waved it off as if it were the least important thing in the world; in the perplexing way he was acting, perhaps it was. “Oh, don’t worry, I was up at seven this morning, phoning in to both our jobs, for a sick day or two.”

Meri stared at him.

And that’s when Billy realized it.

“Meriwether. Don’t you remember what happened last night?”

“No, what hap—“ but as soon as the words were slipping from his lips the memories came rushing toward him, waves pulled by the impossible gravity of an ancient moon.

_Half-waking on a hard, cold tile floor, being led, stumbling through dark places, the gentlest hands slipping off his slacks, the softness of a bed and reassuring warmth of a familiar body pressed tight to him, holding him, not letting him go._

But before that.

_A confusion of limbs and salty wetness on the bathroom floor, his body, his muscles so sore, his mind so incredibly sore._

Before that.

_Solitude. Darkness. The hope of release, and between his fingers, the most beautiful thing in the world: thin metal, sparking like fire in the darkness. Oh, how he wanted that, the sting the blood and then the peace._

Last night.

When Meriwether Lewis had tried to kill himself.

“Shit,” he swore quietly.

But there was Billy before him, taking his hands and kissing him softly on the lips. “It’s okay, Meriwether—we’ll figure this out. Together.” Sweet, beautiful Billy Clark, who was more shaken by the evening before than he himself was. “Come on,” he said, standing, leading Meri by the hand, “I’ll make grits for breakfast. Grits! Just like home, huh, Meri?”

Meri pulled his hands away and sat looking at them, resting on his bare knees as he sat on the edge of the bed. “But there’s nothing to figure out, Billy.”

Billy stopped at the door and tried to keep his voice from growing tight. “What do you mean, there’s nothing to figure out? Of course there is.” Meri looked up to see him, standing in the doorway, his back rigid with stress or worry or _something_ , Meri didn’t know what. But Billy wouldn’t turn around, wouldn’t look at him. “I mean, I’ve already made an appointment later this afternoon for, uh, for you and I just thought we could, I don’t know, talk or relax or something until then and I’ll go with you of course and then maybe we could go out for dinner tonight and to a movie or something, whatever you want to do . . .” His words hung in the air like storm clouds, made heavy by irresolution.

“An appointment for what, Billy?”

“Just— just an appointment. I thought maybe it might be a good idea for you to see a doctor, you know?”

“Billy. Look at me.” He was quiet but commanding, and Billy never could deny him. He turned around, but it took a moment longer to raise his eyes to meet Meri’s harsh gaze. “An appointment for what?”

“An appointment with a psychiatrist.”

“I knew it!” The storm breaking, then, with Meriwether’s rage, falling to his feet, his hands griping the tangled comforter and sheets and ripping them from the mattress, setting it askew, arms made all the more powerful by anger throwing pillows across the room, one crashing into the window blinds, a shattering as a mug fell off the nightstand and onto the floor. He became unmade, yelling in raw frustration. “How could you? How _dare_ you do this to me?”

“Meri, please—“

But he shrugged the calming hands off, and Billy pulled away as if he’d been bitten. All he could do was watch in helplessness a few moments more, as Meri’s destructive fury took its toll on their bedroom. Finally the man seemed to calm himself some, his breathing deepening from its shallow quickness, but he didn’t look at Billy, climbing onto the bare mattress and crawling to the corner furthest away from Billy. He pressed his back far into the headboard and wrapped his arms around his knees, drawing them tight to his chest. When he spoke, his voice was cold and composed.

“I’m not crazy, you know.”

Billy’s voice seemed to stick in his throat. “Oh, Meri, of course I—“

“Then why are you treating me like I am?”

“No. That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

“Yes it is. You’re trying to make me go talk to a psychiatrist.”

“Because I think you need some help, and I want to help you. To help you get help, I mean. I don’t know if—“

But Meriwether was looking at him now, revelation lighting his eyes. “Oh, so that’s it.”

“. . . what?”

“You think I’m crazy.”

“No, Meri, I—“

“You’re not just treating me like I am, you _think_ I am.”

“Meriwether, please—“

“I just want to truth, Billy, that’s all.”

“The truth?” Billy sat down on the other edge of the mattress, but Meri’s eyes told him this much closeness was unwelcome. He stood again, uncomfortably, his hand absently going to the back of his neck, rubbing at the spot where his tension gathered. “The truth is, I think you’re not well.”

“Oh. Well.” Meri stood, then, straightening himself out, and picked yesterday’s pants off the floor. He stepped into them with his back to Billy as he commented, “I’m perfectly fine.”

“Fine?” Billy scoffed in disbelief. “Meri, you’re not fine. People who are ‘fine’ don’t try to . . .”

“Kill themselves?” Meri supplied coolly, seeing that Billy was unable to say the words himself.

“Yeah.”

Meri walked around to Billy and took him gently by the shoulders, and spoke to him as if he were speaking to a child. “Billy, some people are just like this. It’s no big deal, and I’m not going to the doctor about it. Now what do you say about some breakfast? Grits sound fantastic; I’m starving.”

“’No big deal?’ You’re shitting me, Meriwether, right?”

Meri just shrugged at the door, and wandered out of the bedroom, down the hall, and into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry, but I do think it’s a ‘big deal’ when someone tries to fucking kill himself! Particularly when it’s someone I love!”

Meri’s voice came like acid from the bathroom. “Where’s my razor blade?”

“You’re not getting it back.” Billy stormed out into the hall, meeting the furious Meriwether there.

“It’s at the back of your sock drawer, isn’t it? That’s where you keep all of your dirty little secrets: the flavored lubes, the Playboys . . .” His words were intended to sting, but he couldn’t tell if they’d hit the marks because Billy was before him, his arms spread to touch the walls of the narrow hall, immovable as a wall. Meri ducked under his arms to ransack the bureau drawers.

“You won’t find it.”

He knew he wouldn’t, and he didn’t, even as he searched through all of the drawers in the chest. “What have you done with it, Billy? I need it.” He tried to keep his voice level, but a pleading seeped into his tone.

“Why do you need it?”

“A— a souvenir. I’ve always kept it so I’ll be sure that I never go back to that.”

Billy grabbed Meri’s left arm and gently twisted it, exposing the three pale scars on the inside. “What are these, then, Meri?”

“It’s insurance, then.”

“No.”

“So that if things do get too hard—“

“ _No.”_

“—I know I’ll have my way out.”

“I’m not letting you have that kind of insurance, Meriwether.”

“I _need_ it, Billy.”

“You’re not getting it.”

“Why not?”

“Because— because I can’t go through that again, that’s why.”

“ _You_ can’t go through it? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it affected you.” Meri’s voice was poison, and the affect it had on Billy was toxic.

“Like hell you didn’t. No, I can’t go through that again, all right? Coming home to find you like, like that, or, God knows, maybe worse off next time—it’s something I cannot do again. Now, if you love me, you’ll let this razor thing go, and you’ll go to the doctor today.”

There was a pause as Meri stared into the hazel eyes of his partner and visibly softened.

“You know I love you, Billy.”

“Then you’ll go to the doctor today?”

“No.”

“The hell, Meriwether! Why not?”

“Because I don’t fucking _need_ to!”

“Yeah. Yeah, you actually do.”

“Oh, really? And why do I ‘need’ to, Billy?”

“Because if you don’t go to the doctor today, I’m leaving.”

Something new from this storm for Meriwether Lewis—the thunder and lightning of his rage was gone, replaced by a cold rain of fear. “Why?”

“Because! I told you! I can’t take this! I can’t do any more nights of this, this waking up when you leave the bed at two in the morning and then pretending I don’t see you bloodshot eyes or the empty bottles of Jack Daniels in the morning. I can’t take it when you leave me like that at night, or when you leave me—not physically, mentally—in the day, when you get all cold and distant and I don’t know how to get you to come back to me and I seriously cannot deal with you, you trying to leave me like, like you did last night. Leave me alone, leave me forever. I can’t do this, okay? And if you can’t promise me somehow that you’re going to stop acting like this, then I’m leaving, because I can’t do any more of this.”

Meriwether walked away in silence, moving with blind eyes into the kitchen. Billy followed, trying to think of some way to make up for his words, but he didn’t stop talking. “So that’s why I want you to go to talk to the psychiatrist today, honey. Because I want to be with you for as long as I can, but I don’t want you deciding when that’s going to end, and I don’t want you leaving me so young. Hell, I want to marry you some day, if you’ll have me, but I need you to stick around, to see this through until we can make that happen, okay?”

But Meri was still silent, sitting down stiffly at one of the hardback chairs at the table and folding his hands in his lap, palms facing the ceiling. When he finally spoke, his voice seemed to come from miles deep inside himself. “You can pack and leave whenever you like.”

“No! I don’t want to!”

Meri just stared at the table before him. “Even if I see this doctor, I can’t make you promises like that. You might as well leave now.”

“Meri, please, you’re not listening to me. I want to be with you, and I don’t care if you can’t make me these promises, I just want you to try. Can you do that? Can you try for me? I want to be with you, but I need you to try.”

He looked up now, finally, but the eyes in Meri’s face were not his, not the strange blue eyes that Billy loved so much: they were gray and dull and dead. “You’ll be fine without me, Billy.”

But Billy was yelling before he realized it, his palms slamming down on the kitchen table, hard, causing Meri to flinch. “No! No, I won’t be! Everyone always says that, or, or things like that, and I’m sick of it! Everyone seems to think you need me so much more than I need you. But it’s not true! Even Tom Jefferson and your own mother—I heard them talking about how good I was for you, but no one ever seems to consider how good you are for me, or how much I might need you, and I’m fucking sick of it.” Meri was shocked back into himself, liquid brimming at the edges of his eyes, but Billy didn’t stop, couldn’t stop, not yet. “I am so fucking sick of it because I need you and I want you, goddammit, more than anyone realizes. You know what I am without you? Ordinary. Forgettable. Everything about me, even my fucking name—William Clark, can you get more ordinary than that? But you. I still don’t understand why, but for some reason you picked me, you chose me, like I was special or interesting or something. And you’re remarkable, you’re just amazing, you’re intense and a lot more brilliant than you realize and you wanted me and I don’t know what made you want me but I want you to keep wanting me, okay? Being with you makes me feel like I’m something more than ordinary, too. And I want you to keep loving me because without you I’m ordinary and when I’m ordinary I’m lost and I don’t want to go back to that again! I love you and I’m not going to lose you, goddammit and goddamn you for not trying!”

Billy stormed away, and Meri spent several long minutes alone at the table, silent. He absently wiped the wetness from his face before taking a deep breath and standing, walking back to the bedroom.

Billy sat, silent and shaking, on the bare mattress. He didn’t look up when Meri came in, when he walked to the closet and rummaged in it for a good shirt, not even when Meri came to stand before him, buttoning a couple of the bottom buttons on the shirt. But when Meri stopped and held his hands limply by his sides, Billy recognized the invitation, and finished doing the buttons himself. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

Meri’s voice was soft. “What time is the appointment?”

Billy looked up into his face earnestly, and saw fear in the eyes but determination in the set of his lips. The courage of Meriwether Lewis: undaunted and incredible. “It’s at four. You’ll go? You’re sure?”

“Yes. For you, I will.”

-

Meriwether had insisted on going back to talk to the psychiatrist by himself, though Billy had offered to accompany him. “Please, Billy. It’ll be easier without you.”

So Billy was left waiting impatiently, anxiously in the lobby, wishing he had something to do with his hands, until Meri finally stormed from the doctor’s room, slamming the door behind him and growling something to the receptionist. The door was barely shut behind them before Meri spat the words out. “She’s a fucking idiot.”

“Who, the doctor?”

“No, the receptionist. Yes, of course, the doctor. Doesn’t have a fucking clue what she’s talking about.”

Billy held his tongue as they waited for and boarded the elevator. But when they reached the ground floor and Meri remained stationary as the doors opened, Billy gently prodded him his thoughtful reverie.

“She thinks I should quit my job,” Meri muttered.

“Are you happy at your job?” Billy asked as they walked through the lower lobby of the building and out the front doors.

“No,” Meri answered honestly. “Not at all.” He looked up into the chill October sunlight as he spoke. “I miss being outside. I miss getting to actually touch the earth.”

“Okay. We’ll find you a new job, then.”

Meri didn’t speak again until he had the roar of the subway to swallow his words. “She . . . she wants me to take some pills.”

“Pills.” Billy repeated.

“Yeah. Antidepressants. Maybe some others. Mood stabilizers.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe for the rest of my life. But I don’t want to, Billy. What if they just make me worse or, or they change me or something? I’m scared, Billy.” His honesty was raw, and it stirred something deep in his lover.

“Oh, Meri.”

The rest of the walk back to their apartment was silent, but it was Billy who broke the silence at the door. He reached out a hand and traced Meri’s jaw until Meri looked up. He looked so exposed and so scared; it hurt Billy to see him like this.

“You’re so brave.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. I know that was hard for you. Thank you.”

“Of course.” Meri raised his own hand to take hold of Billy’s hand and pressed it to his face for a moment before moving Billy’s palm to his lips.


End file.
